Dealing with a difficult coworker can be:
- frustrating
- stressful
- worrisome
- agitating
- fearful
Or a whole host of other negative emotions. Sometimes it can feel like there is no escape from them, and you will be subjected to their bad behavior forever.
But there are things that you can do to help you deal with a difficult coworker.
Accept That You Can’t Control Them
You can’t control other people, and this includes doing things to try to manipulate difficult people into behaving the way you want them to act.
Other people have the agency to do what they want, and there is nothing you can do or try to do to control them.
They will act the way they are regardless of what you do or don’t do.
Everyone has the agency to act how they see fit. Once you accept that you can’t control them, you can start to focus on what you can control.
Focus on You (AKA What You Can Control)
By focusing on yourself, you put your attention and efforts into something you have power over.
You can choose how you think about other people, the situation, and the problem.
You can also choose how you are going to feel, how you are going to act, and what you are going to do.
You have the power to choose to think anything. Knowing that your feelings come from your thoughts, you can ask yourself: “How do I want to think about this situation?”
Another powerful question is, “Who do I want to be?”
Focusing on you also lets you decide what you are willing and not willing to do in the situation. Just because a coworker demands something of you doesn’t mean you have to do it on their timeline or at all. You are always in control of yourself and can decide what you will do.
Don’t Internalize
If a problematic coworker starts making disparaging or rude comments to you, you can choose not to believe what they are saying.
The opinion of yourself is what matters the most, so if you believe that you are a hard worker, that you overdeliver, and that you are great at collaborating, then you can continue to believe all those positive things about yourself instead of accepting whatever negative comments a difficult coworker offers up to you.
Your confidence and self-esteem come from the thoughts you choose to think about yourself. And you can choose to think anything. That is why it is essential not to internalize negative things that a difficult coworker says.
Have Boundaries
Boundaries are a way for you to show up as the best version of yourself. Boundaries are not meant to control or punish other people.
They are there for you to protect your physical and emotional space and well-being.
Remember, a boundary is what you are going to do. We already established that you can not control a problematic coworker, and even if you requested of them, they probably wouldn’t say yes.
A boundary looks like saying, “If this meeting goes over the scheduled allotted time, I will have to leave.”
Or
“I will show up prepared with my work, but I will not step in for you during the presentation if you show up unprepared.”
Also, you can have boundaries around seeing a coworker outside of work or socializing with them.
Have Positive Regard
This is a bonus tip that will be helpful. Try to positively regard everyone around you, especially the problematic coworker (if you can, I know this can be hard!).
Human beings are intelligent and have developed gut feelings over thousands of years. People can typically sense when they are not liked, creating more tension in an already challenging situation.
Operating under the assumption of positive regard will help you assume that others have the best intent and can help make you (and often them!) more agreeable and pleasant to work with.
Just make sure that you also have firm boundaries in place so that you don’t fall into the trap of appeasing others to try to keep the peace and end up resentful.
In Summary:
- Accept that you can’t control them
- Focus on what you can control (you, your thoughts, feelings, and actions, what you will and won’t do)
- Don’t internalize negative opinions or comments
- Uphold and maintain your boundaries
- Have positive regard